SOMETIMES LOVE ISSometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes...
A moment is a lifetime.
Pamela S. Adams
July 30, 2013
Never underestimate the power of a precious baby, even one that is born at 20 weeks, weighing 11.5 ounces and measuring 9.5 inches. Twenty-two years ago today Gabriel entered this world. He never really had a chance to survive because I lost all of my amniotic fluid during the few weeks prior to his delivery.
I will never forget that day. My contractions started mid-morning so I went to the doctor's office. They sent me to the hospital and with Gary by my side I delivered Gabriel on July 30, 1991 at 1:03pm. He was alive when he was born, but we requested they not take any extreme measures with him since there was no chance that he would survive. The hospital staff wrapped him in a warm blanket and we got to hold him for a few minutes. One thing that saddens me now is that I barely remember holding him. The doctor had to put me under anesthesia and take me to surgery shortly after his birth. Because of the anesthesia I don't remember much about Gabriel's birth or the few hours right afterwards. I do distinctly remember the doctor telling me they had to take me to surgery and I asked him, "Will I be able to hold him when I come out of surgery." Bless Dr. Cullan's heart, he looked at me with the saddest eyes and said, "Yes, you will, but you probably won't remember it." I vaguely remember getting to hold him after the surgery because I remember Gary asking me if I was ready to go to my room or did I want to spend some more time with him. The doctor told us that he lived for about an hour. Gary and my wonderful mother-in-law spent time with him while I was in surgery. My parents were a godsend and took care of A.J. through this whole ordeal.
Although I was only pregnant for 20 weeks (full term is 40 weeks) and Gabriel was only with us for an hour his presence taught me so much. First and foremost, I don't know how I would have gotten through that whole ordeal without my faith in God. I prayed and God heard every word. No, He did not heal my body and give me the healthy baby boy I cried out for, but he was a very present comfort during my time of sorrow and weeping. There were a couple of occasions when I was just sobbing and I literally felt God wrap his arms around me and hold me. Some people may say that couldn't be real, but believe me it was real! Did it make the pain go away, no, but it did allow me to get through to the next moment in my life. Everyone, and I mean everyone will experience bad things in their life, God will be there to get you through them if you allow Him to.
The second thing I learned from Gabriel's short presence was that your life changes when something like this happens. We were going along living a normal life and BAM all of a sudden we had to deal with the death of our baby. From that moment on, life was never the same. Many people say that if you give it enough time your life will get back to normal. Let me tell you that does not happen. What does happen is that you develop a NEW normal for your life, a new normal in which you are parents that have had a baby die, a new normal that stays with you for the rest of your life. One that encompasses all the thoughts, feelings and emotions of two people who have lost a baby. A new normal in which every year on July 30 you are doing something special to remember your precious son.
I also learned some things about death not only regarding a baby's death, but anyone's death. Please if you don't pay attention to anything else, please pay attention to these words. When a person loses someone they love the person does not forget about the lost loved one just because people don't talk about them, especially in the first weeks and months following their loved ones death. We are always thinking of them! So when you see someone you know that has experienced the death of a loved one or close friend, ACKNOWLEDGE IT with a few kind and simple words. A simple, "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "I heard that your son died, I'm so sorry to hear that." There aren't a lot of things that stick out as moments in our lives that we vividly remember, but I remember one such incident about two weeks after Gabriel died. I was back at work as a phlebotomist (I drew blood from patients in a medical clinic). One of the patients who came in for weekly blood tests came into the lab room, sat down, looked at me and said, "I saw your baby's obituary in the paper. I'm sorry about his death." That is a short, but brief moment in my life that I will always remember and treasure. He acknowledged my baby's life and death, he didn't ignore it. Many people might have been wondering if they should say anything because what if they do and it upsets her or makes her remember all of it. I'll tell you this, it didn't make me remember it because it was already right there, the one thing that was consuming my mind for weeks. My thoughts of Gabriel were constant during those first weeks and months after his death.
I remember right after Gabriel died we got a lot of cards in the mail and many people acknowledged his death with flowers, food or visits. Then about two weeks went by and all of a sudden everyone's life was back to normal, everyone's but ours. Sure we were going to work and doing the day to day stuff we usually did, but we were constantly thinking about Gabriel. Then one day three weeks after his death I got a sympathy card. That was priceless, someone else besides us was still thinking about our situation. Through this episode I learned to wait 2 to 3 weeks to send sympathy cards. Most people respond right away and that is good, anyone who has lost a loved one needs support right away, but they also need acknowledgement and support a few weeks later too. Some people might be embarrassed that they got busy and didn't get a card sent right away. Go ahead and send it, the card will be much appreciated. If it is someone you know fairly well, mark on your calender every couple of months to remind yourself to send them a thinking of you card. I don't do this anymore, because I am older and don't hear about young mothers that have lost babies, but years ago when I'd hear about a friend's friend that lost a baby I'd send them a card a few weeks after the baby's death. Then I'd send them another one a few months later and I'd send a third one on the one year anniversary of the baby's death. Most of the time I didn't know these families but that didn't mean they weren't grieving. The cards I got from strangers (and I did get a few of them) meant as much to me as the ones I got from people I knew.
Through this experience I also realized that there are some ways to "talk" to grieving people. Many people often say things they think will make those of us that are grieving feel better. Things like, "Well at least he's not suffering anymore," or "There was probably something wrong with him so it was nature's way of doing the best thing." I'm as guilty as everyone else for making comments like these, until the day Gabriel died and someone made that second comment to me. I have no idea if there was something wrong with Gabriel or not, he looked like a normal baby to me when I held him except that he was too little and his lungs didn't have a chance to develop. Silence is uncomfortable so people think they always need to be saying something. In instances like these try really hard to be comfortable with the silence. One day a few months after Gabriel's death I was having a really bad day and I just could not stop crying. I went to talk to an older lady who was good with these types of situations and you know what our conversation consisted of; for the first 5 minutes she wrapped me in her arms and held me and let me cry. She didn't say anything, she just held me! There was nothing she could say to me that would make me feel better, I was just having a day when I need to grieve the loss of my little baby and she allowed me to do that. This last year one of my closest friend's dad died. At the hospital I held her and let her cry. The only thing I said was "I'm so sorry." At the funeral home I held her and let her cry and again the only thing I said was "I'm so sorry." A loving hug and few words will be remembered in a positive light as opposed to the platitudes you might want to offer.
Just because Gabriel never got to come home with us does not mean he is not part of our family. Both of our sons know about him. Gabriel has his own scrapbook just like A.J. and Daniel do. I don't think about him as much as I used to, but every year when July rolls around I start thinking about him almost daily. I wonder what he would have been like. We had Gabriel cremated and he is buried with his Grandpa Down the Street. I'm not sure what nickname Grandpa Down the Street would have given him, but he would have thought of something. He called A.J., Ajax, and he called Daniel, Dynomite Joe. I'm sure he would have come up with something clever for Gabriel too. Just as my two living sons have taught me much about life so did tiny little Gabriel, even though his lifetime was for but a brief moment.
